my daily BREAD

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I think I’m developing night time depression. Everyday I feel just fine until the sun sets and then I begin to sink lower and lower into the dark place that I used to live. Most of it I think has to do with just being lonely; it seems like everyone else has someone and I have no one. I don’t even have my family to depend on anymore. I have my roommate and that’s it. Pretty much all of my other friends are just mediocre friends who I rarely see and who just don’t have time for me. Or maybe the fact we don’t see each other is my fault, I really don’t know, I just know that it happens that way. I want someone, it doesn’t have to be anything serious but I would at least like to date someone. I’m beginning to think there is something wrong with me. Do I have a hump or something? What is so bizarre about me that I can’t find ANYONE? I’m not sure I should get serious with anyone considering I’m planning on leaving the state in a year, but I’d still like to get out there and play the field. I feel like I have no real experience with anything. I just feel like a big loser. And you know what I’m really really sick of… guy friends of mine that tell me I’m hot… though I appreciate the sentiment and I know it comes from a good place, it really doesn’t make me feel any better. I want a damn boyfriend. I want to having company in my bed one of these days, I haven’t cuddled in so long I don’t even know if I remember how. Don’t even get me started on the last time I had sex… by my standards its been so long I’m not sure if I’m a virgin again or what… I mean I’m sure I forgot everything I ever knew.

What I think my honest to goodness biggest problem is that I just cannot seem to keep people at a distance. I just let people right in and allow them to hurt me without even hesitating. I allow people around me to effect my mood, and though I’m aware I really can’t stop it. They say you control your mood, but I find that when I try to consciously alter my mood I can still feel it inside me, you can’t turn off your emotions no matter how hard you try… at least I can’t. I feel very lost right now and very broken. There is a part of me that is missing and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m stuck in this city and there just isn’t anything I can do about it for now… I have to look to the future and be positive but its sometimes very hard when the future is so foggy and frightening. I don’t know where I am going, but I know that I AM going and that’s knowledge that I really have to cling to right now.

I will ponder and return later.