I feel like I'm a teenage girl again… my hormones are out of control. I feel like I look at every male as though I am a predator. I also seem entirely incapable of having feelings for someone that isn't completely emotionally unavailable or who doesn't live over 500 miles away. For awhile I thought I was just sabotaging myself because I wasn't ready for anything yet, but I honestly don't have feelings for my ex at all anymore and the only thing about what happened with us that really bothers me is the fact that I don't see his family anymore. I'm not as hopeless as I once was, now I'm just bored and sexually frustrated. And casual sex just isn't an option for me… I don't like it, it doesn't get me anywhere I want to go and I just want more than that really. I'm just whining… but in reality I'm actually really happy with my life and everything going on right now. If I had someone to cuddle with at night, I swear, I wouldn't have a damn thing to complain about!
The Break… and Aftermath
April 26, 2006 at 3:03 pm (Dating, Dreams, Family, life)
Today I ran into my ex again… yet again not even a head nod. This compels me to write a little about him, me, and us. I met him when I was 15 and we dated for 5 1/2 years. He broke up with me, citing that we had just been together so long and he wanted to see what it was like to be single, to be with out me. So I let him go, we still talked and everything for about four months afterwards. In that last month he got very sick, so sick I thought he was going to die. I spent 3 days at his apartment nursing him back to health, spending every dime I had buying him whatever he needed, spooning with him trying to get him to stop shivering. I curled up with him under a blanket on his couch the last night, he was shaking and he looked so unbelievably weak. He had always been so strong, untouchable and to see him like that was horrible… I thought he was going to die… I was so scared, I cried so hard, at that point I couldn't imagine my life with out him. He went to nova and went to the doctor, called me when he got back to tell me to get checked out because what he had could have killed him if he hadn't got there when he did. That was the last time I ever talked to him on the phone… the last time him and I were us.
After we broke up he did some really shitty things to me, said some really cruel things to me but I was still willing to try and be cordial to one another. Within two months or so of him getting sick he had a new girlfriend. I wasn't pleased about that considering he insisted he wanted to be single and everything, but I got over it. He was in a class of mine that fall semester and evvery time I saw him he ignored me like I didn't even exist. I see him all the time, with her or alone he always ignores me. I'm invisible, I am nothing to him. What makes me the most upset is the fact that he knows me so very well, he knows me better than almost anyone, and he knows full well how this effects me. It hurts me every time. If anyone should have hard feelings it should be me, but I don't at all. I never did anything wrong to him in the break up, if anything I was way too nice about it all. I just don't see why he has to be so disrespectful towards me.
I suppose it doesn't really matter if we ever speak again, if I ever get to tell him all the things I want to. I realize that we will never double date or anything like that, but I can accept that he has a girlfriend and that he's moved on; I have too and I want us to be amicable towards one another. I've had so many dreams about it lately that its amazing. I'm constantly dreaming about being reunited with his family and I dream about us having a talk and becoming friends. Maybe I'm just a disgusting sap… I don't know. All I know is those dreams make me wake up in tears, because I know it will never happen. I can come to grips with the fact that I'll never be okay with him again, but his family is what really hurts me. They became my family and I miss them every day. It's hard for me to express how much that weighs on me. The whole situation with him is just too hard to explain. I can't write about this anymore today.
I want Big Love too…
April 24, 2006 at 1:39 am (Drugs, Sex, TV)
So today James came over so that I could get him addicted to Big Love like I am. The episode that came on tonight was episode six, he only got to watch 1-3 before jumping to six but hopefully he liked it enough to want to see the two he missed. If not I will be satisfied having become a total failure.
I really do enjoy the show, but I do find that it leaves me in an undesirable place. Of course the sporadic, and might I add somewhat explicit, sex scenes do of course make me wish I had someone to have sex with. Though me being hard up for some loving is an issue, the show really just makes me feel lonely. Sex is great, don't get me wrong, but all the other touching is just as important… probably more so. I just want someone to snuggle with… but for now I have to settle with My Pet Monster.
Before watching the final episode we decided to smoke some Salvia, which is a legal hallucinogen. I smoked it once before and I had some weird visual distortions and was excited about trying this stronger formula. Wow, I was not let down at all! I of course started giggling, but then it appeared as though the sides of the room were being pulled upwards and the middle of the room was sagging. There were three distinct layers of the room and it looked like every one's head was on one of the layers and each layer was moving individually. I realize how very little that makes sense, but these things are just very difficult to describe. I said a bunch of stupid stuff and my roommates all laughed at me, and it was pretty damn fun.
Jeremy tried it after I did… he tried to get up, stumbled and then just preceded to laugh(the funniest laugh I'd ever heard come out of him) for about 3 or 4 minutes straight… as of course we laughed at him. Holly didn't like it, as soon as it happened she started saying she wanted it to stop, but she kept laughing. I think she was just scared and worried that the trip was going to go bad… always think you are going to have a great trip or else you're screwed. Anyways, watching Holly was hilarious, she said everything around her, her whole life was bouncing. I wish she had had as much fun on it as I did, maybe I'll get her to try it again.
When will I become a productive citizen?
April 22, 2006 at 11:45 am (life, School)
I have yet to accomplish anything since I finished class for the week on Wednesday. I suppose I have done things; filled out apartment applications and gone to meetings, but I haven't really done anything. And the worst part is there is so much to be done. When I think about the things that must be finished by the end of May I begin to feel ill. I sit here each day and convince myself that I will accomplish something tomorrow… but that is, no doubt, a lie. I just have no motivation at all. The tasks at hand seem far too numerous, it all feels hopeless. I miss having someone to guilt me into doing things, get on my back and tell me to stop my whining. I used to be able to do it myself, but I guess I just don't know how anymore. It will all get done, just something tells me the last few weeks of May I will not be sleeping… shit I might be popping pills for all I know.
And to clarify writing this in now way inspires me to do anything, in some ways it alleviates the constant obsessing on my part… sort of like a to-do list. Casts upon me an utterly empty sense of accomplishment.
What Dreams May Cum?
April 21, 2006 at 4:55 pm (Dreams, Sex)
The night before last I had my first ever lesbian dream… and no you weren’t in it. Actually I don’t even know who it was, all I do know is that she was very aggressive and dominating…. and surprisingly enough blonde. On a night that I dreamt about my ex trying to kill me and some neighbors sacrificing animals is was a rather pleasant surprise. I guess I’m more sexually frustrated than I thought. I have noticed that having had a reliable partner for over five years and then losing that sexual stability has turned me into a thirteen year old girl. My hormones are out of control and I just can’t help myself. Though I assure everyone I will not be letting these run the show… that hasn’t proved wise in the past. So yeah, I’m hard up… but I’m loving life none the less.
Hello world!
April 19, 2006 at 9:10 pm (Random)
I think it's about time I started a new journal one I won't be sharing for awhile… because filters are just too much trouble and I really don't like talking about people when they can read it. So I'm just going to start from scratch here and see how it goes.
