Very Unsure

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I think I’m developing night time depression. Everyday I feel just fine until the sun sets and then I begin to sink lower and lower into the dark place that I used to live. Most of it I think has to do with just being lonely; it seems like everyone else has someone and I have no one. I don’t even have my family to depend on anymore. I have my roommate and that’s it. Pretty much all of my other friends are just mediocre friends who I rarely see and who just don’t have time for me. Or maybe the fact we don’t see each other is my fault, I really don’t know, I just know that it happens that way. I want someone, it doesn’t have to be anything serious but I would at least like to date someone. I’m beginning to think there is something wrong with me. Do I have a hump or something? What is so bizarre about me that I can’t find ANYONE? I’m not sure I should get serious with anyone considering I’m planning on leaving the state in a year, but I’d still like to get out there and play the field. I feel like I have no real experience with anything. I just feel like a big loser. And you know what I’m really really sick of… guy friends of mine that tell me I’m hot… though I appreciate the sentiment and I know it comes from a good place, it really doesn’t make me feel any better. I want a damn boyfriend. I want to having company in my bed one of these days, I haven’t cuddled in so long I don’t even know if I remember how. Don’t even get me started on the last time I had sex… by my standards its been so long I’m not sure if I’m a virgin again or what… I mean I’m sure I forgot everything I ever knew.

What I think my honest to goodness biggest problem is that I just cannot seem to keep people at a distance. I just let people right in and allow them to hurt me without even hesitating. I allow people around me to effect my mood, and though I’m aware I really can’t stop it. They say you control your mood, but I find that when I try to consciously alter my mood I can still feel it inside me, you can’t turn off your emotions no matter how hard you try… at least I can’t. I feel very lost right now and very broken. There is a part of me that is missing and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m stuck in this city and there just isn’t anything I can do about it for now… I have to look to the future and be positive but its sometimes very hard when the future is so foggy and frightening. I don’t know where I am going, but I know that I AM going and that’s knowledge that I really have to cling to right now.

I will ponder and return later.

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I sure know how to pick ’em

I apparently am a magnet for the biggest liars that exists… why am I such a sucker? I believe every word, most likely because I don’t lie like that. I should know better than to have faith in anyone but myself, but I’m weak and I want it to be the truth. “Would I have talked to you for a year if all I wanted to do was sleep with you… you’re the only girl I see the possibility of a relationship with”… and then what? It’s all crap. Why does this have to be so complicated? Just try a little honesty and you could save us both a lot of trouble.

 There are few things that I just can’t emotionally handle, and it seems as though there is an newsletter sent out to everyone informing them how to get my directly in the jugular. DO NOT IGNORE ME! Ever since I was young being ignored, avoided and things of that nature make me feel like my chest is caving in.

 My final note to the world… I know it’s hard, but you just have to bite the bullet and be up front, honest and straight forward with people… if you no longer want to be involved with someone in some way, do the right thing and just tell them. Unless you get in a blow out fight or something like that ignoring people to get them out of your life is rude and unnecessary; people deserve more respect than that.

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I just don’t know what to think anymore…

My view on life seems to be switching to one of indifference. I'm just tired of having expectations that turn into extreme disappointment; I expect nothing then I won't be let down. It might sound like I'm depressed but I really don't think that's what's going on, I'm just being a realist right now. I don't know, I don't particularly like thinking this way but it just seems like my safest option at the moment.

Rear View

Lately I've been looking back a lot (no, not at my ass) and now I'm doing it in a whole new way. Sometimes you just have to completely remove yourself from something to really see how bad it really was. I'm finally starting to get Jen back and after 2 years of trying so hard to recapture what I had lost I feel like I'm making a new path for myself. I can't remember the last time I was comfortable in my own skin and I can't even explain how much it means to me. Over the course of a year I let two people completely crush my spirit and make me feel useless and unwanted. I had just one person left to lean on and when he pulled out I fell on my face. He will never know how much that helped me though, because I needed to hit bottom to realize how much I had let them change me. I no longer feel out of place and I feel like I actually have my brain, my disorder and everything inside in order. My life is a total mess, but at least my head is in the right spot; what more could I ask for? Life is good… and its about to get a whole lot better!

Soul Sucking Summer

I feel like within the last month my life has been spiraling into a pit of darkness. Nothing bad is really happening, it just seems like everything that brings me joy is quickly departing and leaving me here alone. My family is officially living 8 hours away from me, and even though we didn't get to spend that much time together, I feel like I'm suffocating without them. To top off the loss of my family, my pseudo-family at 606 is no longer. Now it's just me and Holly… well and Joey too… but that makes me a permanent 3rd wheel and therefore the person who's always left out. Left alone. Holly and I have completely opposite schedules and we rarely see each other. Every weeknight she has to go to bed by 11 or so and I've barely just got home from work. But, just like she does to Joey, she makes me feel bad when I go out and do something when she's got to go to sleep. I guess I'm just not coping well to everything around me changing at once. I feel like my own physical body is the only thing I have left, and lord knows I've never felt that comfortable in my own skin so that doesn't really make me feel much better. When you feel as unstable and unsure as I do the one thing you really rely on is some place comfortable to go, a sense of home, and I don't have that anymore. In any sense. My entire life feels like it's up in the air and I'm feeling light headed.

Screw Men

Another 20 mins… I'm horrifically bored at the present moment. Listening to the fucking Crash Test Dummies… yeah, you heard me. What the hell you got to say about it?!?! This is some deep shit "how come all my body parts so nicely fit together, all my organs doing their jobs no help from me… everything seems planned out, everything thing seems nicely planned out…" Okay I'm done I promise.

So I'm trying to change the way I'm going about this whole being single thing… I've tried to take it seriously for far to long. I'm just going to take it as I can get it… fuck it… I'm only young once. I just don't think I'm the type of girl guys actually want on a daily basis… or at least that's my excuse for now. So yeah, I'm trying to think of my goodies like a field of dreams, if I shave it they will come… hahaha… I couldn't sleep the other night because that thought popped into my head and wouldn't leave. I'm going to take it as a humorous sign. Though my only current prospect is really Brandon, and though I love him to death… I don't want to date him and I'm fairly sure that's what he wants. I don't know for sure and I don't want to mess up another friendship because I can't keep my dick in my pants, if you know what I mean. I'm just becoming very cynical about the whole dating thing and I never thought I would let that happen. I used to be such a romantic optimist, but in reality I just don't believe it anymore.

I think what I really need right now is to just focus on myself and be selfish… though I love men and would love to have one to dote on that aparently isn't an option for me right now. So instead I'm going to just get back in the gym, start taking care of myself, figure out what I want to do when I graduate, finish this summer class, get my apartment together and work on my relationships with friends.

 Another thing I think I need to do… go see some damn live music. The last thing I saw was Gwen w/ the Black Eyed Peas… and that was fun… but it just isn't the same. I need some good music, great company and a few beers!

Stalker

I have a stalker it appears. He was here the first day I worked in the lab and he has been here everyday I've worked since. The first night he was a little creepy but nice; he followed me around when I locked up that night but just asked me about my major and things like that. The next day he was there when I arrived, he was nice but kept talking about wanting to be my boyfriend. I told he that he could follow me around that night. He said he was leaving, I watched him walk out of the building when I returned to the 2nd floor after locking up the first I saw him standing outside of the lab. He tried to talk to me but I just went to the 5th floor and worked my way down. The entire time I was on the 3rd, 4th and 5th floors I was terrified that he was going to show up. When I got back to the second floor I he was still there and proceded to follow me out of the building. When we got outside he offered to walk me to my car, I said no, I then told him not to come back to the lab; he said he wouldn't. The next day he wasn't there, then Thursday he came back. He came in and I told him I had a boyfriend and he said "once you get some of this <insert graphic pelvic motions> you won't have a boyfriend no more". I told him it was never going to happen and that I wanted him to stop talking to me like that; which he did not. I told him he had to leave at 8pm or I would call security because I didn't like him following me or waiting around for me when I'm locking up. He left at around 6:30 or 7pm and was nice about it. When Tuesday came around and I returned to work he showed up. He didn't even go to a computer, just stopped in front of my desk and asked me a bunch of questions about my sex life(which I told him I wouldn't answer). I need to call my dad for something so I went into the hallway to get reception, he followed me. While waiting to get through to my dad he kept talking about having sex with me; then while I was writing down the information from my dad he unzipped his fly. I didn't look to see what that was all about, when I was off the phone I just walked back to the lab. He called out to me to come back because he was trying to talk to me, I replied " do you really think I'm going to talk to you after you pull that crap" and told him he needed to leave now. He walked out the door.

That was last night, I'm not sure if he's planning on comming back. I hope  he doesn't ever come back, but if he does I will not hesitate to call security. I'm writing this down just for future reference should this guy try to pull anything.

My head hurts…

I'm feeling very down lately… like my whole world is falling down around me. It isn't really that bad, it's just that so many things in my life are changing that I don't feel comfortable anywhere doing anything. I'm worried and scared about where I'm going… I hope it all works out. I have to get back to packing.

" But now we must pack up every piece
Of the life we used to love
Just to keep ourselves
At least enough to carry on"

OBX ’06

I could write a novel about the last week. I have been to the outer banks a million times and I’ve never had so much drama and fun. Beckie and Craig are now hitched; Craig finally has a reason to treat me like an annoying little sitter, not that he ever needed on before. Thank god Erica was there, she kept me sane, or shall I say insane. With out someone to escape that place with I surely would have comitted suicide or homicide.

Craig’s little brother Frankie (who had always been discribed as a total asshole) turned out to be the most likeable person in his family, including Craig. He’s not a bad guy at all, just a product of that horrific environment and seems to be the only one who realizes how bad it is and is trying to get out. He took Erica’s drunken advances in stride and managed to get along with everyone but my very concerned grandmother. So he’s cool with me.

Someone in the house stole my stash… I’m still mad about it to be honest, but I got my revenge in a sense. I’ll let it go, but only because it’s family. Asside from that little incident the week went pretty smashingly to be honest. I managed to get fucked up almost every night and came back with a decent tan. Can I really ask for more? The only way it could have been better would have been if that water wasn’t painfully cold. But my parents and sister are moving to Myrtle Beach in a month so I’ll be going to the beach again later in the summer.

I have to start my summer class and work tomorrow so I’m going to relax and chill then hit the hay. I’ll post some pictures and what not later on.

I haven’t shave my goodies!

Jombalaya Jen

Jerky Joey/Boey the Breadstick

Macaroni Mel

Meatball Molly/Capicolla Ham Holly (its over Holls)

Shriveled Banana Dick… in my hair!

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